How to Break the Negative Thinking Loop

In this episode, I have a special guest, Blake Lefkoe. She helps people transform their lives by breaking free from the beliefs that hold them back. Blake Lefkoe is a facilitator of The Lefkoe Method, a powerful process developed by her late father, that helps people eliminate limiting beliefs that keep people stuck in their unwanted emotional and behavioral patterns. After going on her own transformative journey—overcoming addiction and rediscovering the method—she’s now passionate about guiding others to live healthier, happier lives aligned with their true passions and values. From helping clients break unhealthy patterns to creating a life of fulfillment for herself, Blake is here to share her wisdom on living authentically and with purpose. 

Transcript

Hello, everyone. This is your host, Keri Logan at Master the Upper Rooms. And today I have a special guest who is dedicated to helping people transform their lives by breaking free from the beliefs that hold them back. So Blake Lefkoe is a facilitator of the Lefkoe Method, a powerful process developed by her late father that helps people eliminate limiting beliefs that keep people stuck. and their unwanted emotional and behavioral patterns. And after going on her transformative journey, overcoming addiction and rediscovering the method, she's now passionate about guiding others to live healthier, happier lives, aligned with their true passion and values, and from helping clients break unhealthy patterns to create a life of fulfillment for themselves. And Blank is here to share her wisdom, 

on living authentically and with purpose. Welcome, Blake. Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here. Yes, it's really nice to have you here today. So I want to know, and I'm sure other people do too, how our beliefs impact our reality. So what we believe about life is not only what we see, it's also what we attract. We go through lives with these filters on. And if we believe that, you know, relationships don't work, that's what we're going to see. That's what we're going to attract to ourselves. That's what we're going to notice in other people's lives. And what's amazing is when you shift a belief, all of a sudden in that moment, people go, oh my gosh, but my friends, my best friend, they're married. They get along so well. They have this amazing relationship. And it's almost like you can't even see it as long as you have the belief. It's like you're wearing these, 

you know, filters. Yeah, exactly. And it's also how you show up for yourself and in life. It's like examples of that belief. You find examples of that belief everywhere. You're also looking for them, right? So if I'm not worthy, anytime I don't get a job or someone doesn't invite me somewhere or something happens, oh yeah, see, there it is. It's not worthy. Right. Well, it's almost like, People are, your brain is seeking the validation because you're energetically putting that out. So let's line you up with something that's going to validate it. Yeah. And even, you know, have you ever met someone that's just like always in the right place at the right time? Like good things just always happen to them, winning things and free and just this and that, right. They have these positive beliefs about like, well, life just works for me and it does. Yeah. 

And you see the opposite in people where people are like, life's hard, life's a struggle, life's unfair, nothing ever works out for me. And their lives are proof of that. And it's not their fault. Right. But, you know, when you have these beliefs, that's what's going to keep showing up for you. No, that's true. So how do limiting beliefs shape our behavior? And why is it so important to identify and eliminate them? So we start with a pattern. So what's a behavioral or an emotional pattern you want to change? And the example I usually use is procrastination because it's something everyone can relate to. So you find the pattern of procrastination. What does that look like? How does that show up for you, right? I procrastinate doing this and that by doing these other things. What does that look like? Okay. And then we start to look for the beliefs that would cause that pattern. For procrastination, very often it's beliefs like, 

I'm not good enough. Nothing I do is good enough. Mistakes and failures are bad. If I make a mistake, I'll be rejected. And you see how having beliefs like that would cause someone to procrastinate. So as you identify the beliefs, and then one by one, you eliminate them. And as the beliefs go away, the pattern just organically automatically changes. You don't have to do anything. Because if you're not worried about... being rejected and you don't feel like nothing you do is going to be good enough anyway, so why bother? And you're not afraid of making mistakes, then why not try? You know, you see people that have this kind of perfectionist tendency. It's the same thing. It's beliefs. And as you eliminate those beliefs, it doesn't mean you no longer strive for perfection, but you stop living out of that fear that it has to be 

It gives you space. It gives you freedom to show up differently. Yeah. It's almost like it invisibly unravels. Think about a ball of yarn. Once you get to the root of what it is, that's like all of those pieces unravel and then it's no longer a ball of, you know, yarn anymore. It's just, yeah. And then another thing that's really powerful, there's another process just for this, but eliminating beliefs also has the same kind of end result is you actually nullify triggers. So we think, oh, I'm this way because this person did this or because this person said that. And if you nullify the triggers, if now all of a sudden you don't get angry when people criticize you or you don't get angry when 

someone tells you to do something or you don't feel fear in relation to whatever, you have so much freedom to show up differently because you're not at the effect of what happens to you, not the effect of what people say and do. Well, that's their issue. They don't like how I'm doing it. Okay. Maybe I can have a conversation with them about why, or maybe I can just feel strongly in that the way that I'm doing it is the way that works for me. And that's how I'm going to do it. And I don't need, them to agree with me doesn't mean anything about me right it's like I look at it is you had the ability to respond instead of react. Exactly. Because that's a conversation with my son this morning. Yeah, no, I mean, that's exactly what a trigger is. And I got to tell you, I've had experiences where someone knew how to press all my buttons. And when I got them cleared out of me and 

And I saw them again. I was so joyful and so happy. And it was a family member. And that person went to my brother like, is she OK? What's wrong with her? You know, she's so happy. And, you know, it's like and they thought they thought I was, you know, acting oddly. But I was just so joyful and happy. I wasn't guarded. I wasn't preparing for this person to, you know. cut into me and it was like, it just removed all those unhidden cords that people can hook into you and it was to me it was life-changing it was the most beautiful experience really that's amazing yeah yeah when you so when you eliminate beliefs about yourself or in whatever way you're able to do that and get there for example you know super personal but my son's father and I so a lot of time you know we just 

We couldn't, couldn't speak. I would get so triggered and I would engage and I would fight him. And I'd be like, I can't let you say that because that's wrong. And that's not true. And it was draining and it was exhausting and it was upsetting. And the more I worked on myself, the better our relationship got because I stopped getting triggered. I stopped engaging. If he was in a way, being in a way towards me that like didn't feel good, I I stopped texting, I hung up the phone, I got in my car, and I said, let's get in, we're out of here. And we leave. But I didn't have to engage or tell me was wrong. And the more I did that, and the more I didn't even have to stand up for myself, I just didn't allow him to trigger me anymore. Yeah. And then I started giving him space to show up differently. I stopped expecting that I stopped putting energy on that I stopped telling the story to everybody of 

this crappy thing that he said or that he did or how he didn't do this. And now I'm like, you know what? I'm going to just focus on the good. Oh, you did this thing. That's so awesome. You showed up. Stoked. That's great. And you can get happy about that, right? If I have unreasonable expectations of somebody and I get upset, that's on me. If I expect someone to show up differently than how they're going to show up, that's not on them, right? Right. As you eliminate beliefs and you're just able to be in life in a different way, you know, you're somewhat, you're taking responsibility for your emotions and your thoughts. And those things are based on your beliefs. Well, I loved how you said something about your story. Because a lot of people have their story and they... 

feed so much energy into it, telling other people, this person did that. And, you know, all these horrible things. And if you think about, you're the one feeding it, you're the one giving it all this power and all this control. And, and it's like, some people even think their story defines them. And it I've noticed with some people that I tell them and it's really hard. They don't realize how hard it is. When I know it's a client that likes to totally get into their story with other people, I call it like energy transfer. They suck the energy out of other people. I tell them, I want you to try not to talk about your story anymore. Do your best not to talk about it. 

As soon as you get that urge to talk about it, stop. Because you keep feeding all this negativity about this person and you need to write a new chapter or just take that story and toss it and create a new story for your life. What do you want your life to be? You know, how do you think? How do you want to act? What boundaries can you set? You know, what did you learn from this experience? And that's the hard thing. Because a lot of people, when they're so invested in their story, they're not looking at the wisdom and the lessons within that story. They're just stuck in that reality. Totally. And that's where the belief stuff can really come in handy. It's to break that cycle. So essentially what you're doing when you eliminate a belief is you're changing your perception of yourself, life, people, relationships, whatever the belief is. 

And as you shift that perception, you're able to see things differently. Yeah. So this thing happens and you're like, oh, this is really uncomfortable. This is really hard. And in the past, you're like, I want everyone to know how hard it is. And I want to get this positive reinforcement from them and the sympathy, whatever it is, whatever reason you're telling your story. I want everyone to know how crappy this thing that they did. And when you shift your perception, you go, wow, what an interesting lesson. I can, I can, you know, I can use this or the main thing that happens is we think that when things happen, it's because of us. Oh, this person did this because there's something wrong with me or because people don't like me or because I'm not good enough or because I'm not lovable. And as you shift those perceptions and you realize that people are doing things for whatever reason they have, and it has nothing to do with you, everything shifts. 

The way you see it shifts the way you're able to respond as opposed to react. And you're, and you're able to stop taking it personally, which is huge. And then when you're not taking it personally, there's no reason for you to tell that story because it has nothing to do with you. Right. And that's, that's the beautiful, you know, thing of transformation and change. and changing those limiting beliefs and, and really setting yourself free from what's been, you know, keeping you held captive for a really long time. It's kind of like we have the golden key within ourselves, but we need to find that key and unlock it. It's so much easier to point your finger and, Oh, it's their fault. It's their fault. You know, they did this, they did that. 

And sometimes part of that is, yes, that's their behavior and stuff, but how we respond to it or react to it, it does matter. And even having the awareness, which I loved how you shared, well, they're doing their thing. Just let them do their thing. It doesn't have to trigger you. I mean, once you're free of it, you can literally stand back and watch them act out. And you're just like, Okay, I know what this is. And you don't take it personal. It's beautiful. And even, you know, for parenting, you see parents kind of give things this meaning of like, if my child isn't listening, it means they don't respect you. No, it doesn't mean they don't respect you. It means they're 10. And so it's this anger. It's this feeling, you know, anger is a response to powerlessness. So parents give it this meaning, right? Oh, they don't respect me. They don't this me. They don't that. So they get angry and they feel powerless. 

But if you're able to shift those beliefs and realize, oh, a 10-year-old's being a 10-year-old and I'm expecting them to not be. So that's my unreasonable expectations. And now I'm angry for my 10-year-old literally just being a 10-year-old. So how can I approach them differently so that I can get them to do what I want as opposed to screaming at them and now nobody's happy. And another thing I just wanted to respond to what you said before is, is it's not even always triggers that are happening now. It's not even that someone is doing something to you now. We've had traumas as children. And what we conclude as a result of those traumas is what keeps us traumatized and stuck in these patterns for the rest of our lives. Those traumas are no longer happening. But we still act out of them, right? So... 

When you have abuse or anything as a child, right? Most people conclude I'm not safe. Life is scary. People are dangerous. And once you're out of that house and the abuse is no longer happening, you still have those beliefs. You're still living out of that trauma, even though that trauma is no longer happening. And that's a really powerful tool is to go back and realize, well, just because you weren't safe as a child, just because you weren't safe around your father is Just because you weren't safe in this specific situation at this time in this place doesn't mean that who you are is not safe and you will never be safe. Just because those people were dangerous doesn't mean all people are dangerous. It's not a logic thing. You're not talking people out of it. It's just one of, you know, a small step of the process. But when you're able to eliminate those beliefs, the way you're able to exist in life now is so different and it's not safe. 

at the effect of in response to things that happened to you 30 years ago? No, inner child work to me is crucial. A lot of people don't take that into consideration when they go to, let's say, work on themselves. And more and more, because I've been doing this for 25 years, it's every client I meet, literally does need to do some inner child work. They need to do some parts therapy. They need to heal what was broken inside them and give it a new job. Because I don't know if you know much about NLP, neuro-linguistic programming and parts therapy, but that sabotaging part, it always has a positive underlying intent or else it wouldn't do it. So it really is there to protect you, even when we think that it's, you know, it's a negative, it's sabotaging me. And, um, and I think we're okay. I can share a really quick story of how that works. Like I worked with one gentleman that, um, hated the holidays, hated them completely. And he was sitting in our, the lobby at the time I worked at a center and 

And he was ranting and raving about the Christmas music and the Christmas tree. And the receptionist said, you need to take him back and talk to him. You know, he's disturbing other other clients. So I went back and talked to him. I said, so, dude, what happened to you during the holidays that you hate Christmas so bad? And he shared this story. Everyone has a story. They all do. He said that when he was around eight or nine, he loved Christmas so much. And with his culture, you know, background, they were Russian. You do not decorate the Christmas tree until Christmas Eve. And that year he wanted to do it early because everyone had their houses decorated. They had the tree up and he felt like an outcast. So while his parents were at work and 

He went out, cut down a tree, decorated it, decorated the whole house. They came home and he was like, surprise, let's celebrate Christmas early. Let's create our own family tradition. Well, his parents were so mad at him. They made him take all the decorations down, put the tree by the trash can. And he said, as I stood on the stairway, they told me I had to go upstairs to my room. I was not going to get dinner. And I had to think about how I was going to apologize for this. for what I did wrong. And he said, ever since that day, I hated the holidays. But I looked at the man and I said, but I know you got kids and you're ruining their love and joy for the holidays too. Is that really fair? Is that fair? And he almost started crying. He was like, no, he admitted it's really messed up. I can't help it. And I said, so we need to do inner child work. You need to parent yourself. 

You need to go in and talk to that little boy that got injured and hurt and say, hey, I understand you're trying to protect me, but I need to give you a new job because I'm in my 40s now. I'm not eight years old anymore. You know, I've had all this life experience. I have these beautiful children. And when he did that repair work, he literally said he had the best holiday ever. His kids were so happy and he saw the love and joy in their eyes instead of ruining it for them. And that's just one small, you know, example of how powerful inner child work is. Absolutely. I'm sure you have lots of, lots of stories. So, I see you worked with people that struggle with anxiety to addiction. And what's the most common belief you see that hold those people back? Common belief across the board. 95% of the first sessions with clients that I have is a form of, I'm not good enough. And it's kind of just, it contributes to every pattern. That's all of them. 

No, I worked a lot with people on that area because as kids, we take things personal. Absolutely. That's all us. Yep. And, and I always tell people that, you know, when we're finding the source of the belief and you go back, you know, you're four or five, six years old. It's not a blame game. Your parents do the best that they can with the skills and tools that they have and their own negative beliefs and their own adult with traumas and their own lack of parenting skills. experience or expertise or, you know, advice. And that, you know, we don't look at our parents and go, gosh, my parents are terrible with time management. We go, oh, there's something wrong with me. I'm not important. Oh, you know, and a lot of parents are critical. They think that's how to best support their child. Why did you get a B? You 

Oh, you broke this. You spilled this. Why? What's wrong with you? And people conclude, oh, there's something wrong with me. Yeah. I do. It's not going to be good enough. And what's really amazing is as people eliminate all these beliefs and they start because so often people parent the way that they've been parented because that's the only thing they know. They don't know anything different. And as people are able to eliminate these beliefs and realize what the detriment was to because they were spoken to or treated that way, they're able to start parenting their children differently. And it's not just breaking the cycle of passing down the trauma and the pain, but it's actually breaking the cycle of now you're empowering your children. You're speaking to them in a way that gives them positive beliefs and you're able to support them and communicate with them differently. And like I was saying before, 

When people feel like, oh, they're not listening, it means they don't respect me. Whatever meaning they're giving that's causing that emotion, you're able to switch that as well and come from a different place. And so you don't have that power struggle anymore. It opens up new lines of communication. And well, let me try something else. This isn't working instead of just getting louder and angrier. Right, right, right. It's across the board. Clients eliminate one client in particular. She eliminated two really big beliefs and it was in one very specific area. And she came back the next week and she was like, I've stopped emotionally eating. I've stopped screaming at my kids. I've had the best conversation with my husband that we've had in years. She was like, those beliefs shifted every pattern across the board. 

And it was so beautiful to see. Cause you know, typically we focus on one pattern and of course other things shift in the interim because our beliefs affect everything that we do and what we think and what we feel and how we act, how we show up and what shows up for us. But sometimes they really, you know, they really do reach far and wide and it's amazing to watch so many patterns shift people, you know, standing up for themselves or even just the negative, talk right we experience and we just think that's the way, that's the norm, that's how it is. As you eliminate these beliefs, that voice gets quieter and now you have more space and energy and time to focus on other things instead of just constantly beating yourself up or what are they going to think or what should I do or what do they want me to do? Whatever that your internal dialogue is. Dialogue, yeah. As that gets quieter, 

you have more space, time, and energy to focus on other thoughts and other things. And, you know, a lot of people don't even know what their passions and values are because they live in a way in accordance to how they think they're supposed to live, what it's supposed to look like, what people are expecting from them. Right. And to get back to your beginning comment about authenticity, when you're not living your life for other people, because you feel you're able to live a life out of your passions and values and know what they are and find them and live a life that's aligned with them. What do I think this should look like? You know, there's no rules, right? And it has to, you know, I have to work a nine to five and I have to do a job that I hate and I have to do this thing and relationships are this and being a parent is this and being a, this is no, none of that has to look like anything. So what do you want it to look like? And, and, 

How are you able to get more of what you love in your life and get rid of what you don't? This doesn't work for you. Let's get less of this. And if this does, let's get more. And if you're not sure what does, let's find a way to call it in and to not be afraid to try new things so that you can find what feels good and find your authenticity and live a life aligned with that. And that's so powerful. And to me, It's really exciting getting people out of pain and suffering and getting unstuck. It's incredible. It's super gratifying. And I'm so grateful every day that I get to wake up and help people on their journeys and continue on mine. You know, the work's never done. Right. Right. But when you get people to a place where they're sustainable, it's like now it's juicy. Now it's fun. Right. Like now, what do you want? 

That's the magic. What can your life look like? What is your dream life and what's stopping you from living it? Let's get that stuff out of the way. Correct. Well, I'm about to run out of time. So I wanted to let everyone know that you offer a free consultation. It could, you know, 15 minute, 20 minute. I know you said sometimes it can run into 30 minutes, but I would love people to be able to connect with you, Blake, and talk with you. To let all the listeners know, there is a blog link that's attached to this podcast. So you can find Blake and learn more about her. And she's a fantastic person. So it has been a complete pleasure, Blake. I've thoroughly enjoyed connecting with you today. And I look forward to your success with this beautiful method. Thank you so much. It was an honor to be here and lovely conversation. Thank you for having me. 

Okay, you take care. Bye. Bye.