Feeling Unworthy or Unlovable in a Marriage and How to Overcome these Feelings

In this episode, I interview Tammy Cox. She is an amazing marriage coach. She is a dedicated transformational coach with a passion for helping women save their marriage. With a unique focus on inner child healing, Tammy dives deep into the root causes of the marriage breakdown, guiding her clients on a transformative journey towards rekindling the flame of love.

Tammy's own life journey was marked by significant childhood wounds, leading her to a critical crossroads where she felt she had only two choices: surrender to despair or embark on a path of healing. She chose the latter, embarking on an inspiring voyage of self-discovery that ultimately shaped her into the coach she is today.

Transcript

Hello, everyone. This is your host, Keri Logan at Master the Upper Rooms. And today I have a special guest. I have Tammy Cox, and she is a dedicated transformational coach with a passion for helping women save their marriage. And she has this unique focus on inner child healing. And Tammy dives deep, and I'm telling you deep, into the root causes of what makes a marriage literally break down. She guides her clients on a transformational journey towards rekindling the flame of love. I would like to introduce everyone to Tammy today. How are you, Tammy? I'm so good, Keri. I'm excited to be here with you, and I'm excited about this conversation. I am too. We had our wonderful meet and greet, and I loved how you shared the story of when you had your first child and the revelation, you know, that just popped in your mind. So share with me one, how that experience was for you. Is it really what you do? Yeah. Yeah, it really does. And it really goes far. The story stretches. So, you know, when I had my first daughter, it's almost been 16 years. In fact, in, in a couple of weeks, um, It will have been 16 years since I had her. And I just remember them placing her in my arms and seeing this perfect little being, this perfect, beautiful little soul. And then at that moment, all of my trauma from my childhood just came flooding back because I realized that I didn't have what it took. To raise this child because she's so perfect and so innocent. And I just felt like I was going to ruin her. I was going to ruin her. And so for me, that was the moment where for so many years, I had been able to keep all of my triggers from the traumatic childhood I had. I kept them at bay. I kind of buried them under the ground and kept them well hidden. But that moment that I held her, they all just kind of surfaced. 

And I just remember for, I'd say for years, I just was like almost shaking with all the triggers I had around being a wife and a mom. And it's really the power of a traumatic event. When you have significant traumas in your early years and they're not dealt with, then they tend to be unearthed when you become a wife and you become a mom. And that's what I noticed with my clients as well. So what happened was from that point, I went on a journey of self-healing because I did not want to F up this little baby the way I did. I did not want her to experience the same horrible patterns that I experienced. So that's really what called me on my journey. And the reason why I focus on marriage is because I had, that was the place that my 

um, traumas showed up the most was in my marriage. Um, and I really was quite a toxic person for many, many years. I'd say the majority of my life. And, um, I tried everything. I tried the therapy. I did the retreats. I did the religion. I did, um, all of it and it would help a little bit. It would kind of scratch the surface, but nothing really stuck long-term until I really started doing the trauma work. when I started really getting to the root cause of why I am the way I am, and the pain that still resided in me, I had to really start to excavate that. And when I did that, I started to transform. And not only was my marriage saved, but my whole family, because I went on to have two more kids, my whole family was transformed by my healing journey. And it's really why I choose to focus on helping 

the woman who's just like I was, who is a wife and a mom and is just so triggered and struggling with all this mental health stuff. And they have tried all the things and nothing is working, right? So that's when she comes to me. And it's usually the biggest pain point is her marriage, because why? That's the closest mirror. It's the most intimate relationship, which is the the closest mirror that really reflects back to us the most deepest parts of ourselves that maybe we don't want to look at. So yeah, that's a little bit about me. Yeah. No, you, you nailed it because a lot of people don't realize that when we get triggered, that, that mirror reflection is telling us to go within. And when people are stuck as, cause I, I focus on, 

3D human consciousness, 4D, 5D. What happens is if you're stuck in that 5, you know, 4, let's say 3D mental mindset, it's so much easier to go to blame. So much easier instead of taking responsibility and going within and going, oh, this might be connected to this, or this is why I'm snappy about this, or this is why this behavior, you know, triggers me. And a lot of people I think are coming to the realization that they have to go within because you can go to counseling and you can talk about all your problems, but if they're not doing the soul searching with you, that person there is just, you're paying them so you could vent. And we know, we know that doesn't work. 

No, it doesn't work. All the modern science is telling us just talking about a problem could never help with that problem. In fact, lots of times it makes it bigger. Yeah, it does. And that's why with what I do is I try to get to where they are energetically. Are they stuck in fear around this subject? Are they stuck in despair? Are they stuck in grief or regret? Or is it shame or humiliation? And how can I walk them up and look at things differently from a higher perspective? And I'm sure you do that too. And when you do, you discover forgiveness, forgiveness for yourself and the other person. Because a lot of times when we go within, you realize my parents had a screwed up childhood. And because they never cleaned up their stuff, it just influenced and impact their marriage. 

which then influenced, impacted your childhood. And a lot of people, too, parent the way that they were parented. And that's not good either, as you know, because there's so many different ways we can parent a child. There's new research and new techniques and everything that really help a child thrive because parents, I'm glad we're not in that generation anymore where a child is seen and not heard. Now we talk about vulnerability. We talk about feelings. We talk about connection. We talk about forgiveness. And I think we're heading in the right way. So with what you're doing, I fully applaud you because there are lots of women out there that were raised probably in a home where you don't talk about your feelings. And it's hard when you were, or let's say you tried to use your voice as a young girl, but you were silenced. And so when you're in that marriage, you could be sabotaging it by not expressing your feelings. You know, I like this. I don't like that. And as you know, some women pretend that they are, 

a certain sport or love a certain hobby that their partner does. But deep down inside, they really hate it. They don't have the courage to say, you know, I was never really into this, but I tried to get into it. But you see where I'm coming from? Well, I mean, I don't think until we go through our healing journey, I don't think we even have the ability to parent in a different way, to be a different person. We're We're so hardwired in those first five years that until we go back through and really look at the identities and all the beliefs held in the identity till we can look at them, look at how they were created, look at what they are exactly. We don't have the ability to create anything new in our lives, not real lasting results. We can kind of change some behaviors slightly, but until we look at the reason or where that belief was developed and why. Yeah. 

um we really can't change all that much and so for me that's what i was finding i was trying to tackle it on a behavior from a behavioral standpoint well you can't do that because the behavior goes all the way back to the the identities all the beliefs held so it really wasn't until i started opening the the box of my identity if you will the subconscious mind and saying like what's going on in here what what are these beliefs you know i had beliefs i around men, beliefs around myself and beliefs around life that weren't serving me. We call them life commands. And they're like the deeply rooted limiting beliefs that are really the story or the belief underneath everything that I attracted in my life. If you believe that you're unlovable to the core of your being, then how can you really allow someone to love you? You can't. You can't. 

So I was repelling everyone in my life because at the very base of who I was, I believed that I just wasn't lovable and I wasn't important. And so here we are human beings walking around with these really deep seated beliefs. And we think that the results of our life is just because of, you know, it is what it is, but it's not. It's because we adopted some beliefs very early on. We inherited most of them, 95% of them we inherited. And we just receive them from our parents. And the truth is, is that if we want to change the results, then we have to go to the root cause. And that is the belief. You do. Seriously, you do. And I loved how you just shared that a lot of our beliefs are ingrained and inherited before we even know what's going on. And it all depends on where you grew up. 

Because let's say you grew up in Thailand and you have your cultural society, your family, whatever the religious beliefs are there, all of that. And then you have someone, let's say that's in the US, completely different lifestyle, different beliefs, different upbringing, all of that. And that does shape and impact us. And I think that's the beautiful thing is when we leave the nest, That really is our time to to go within and clean things up before you get married or before you dive into a serious relationship or before you have children. You got to you got to ideally. Yes. You got to clean the junk. You know, you got to declutter your your mind or, you know, you're I mean, ideally, that's great. But a lot of people don't don't do that. 

And they meet someone thinking that, oh, he's my other half. He's filling this hole, this void that's inside of me. And once- My savior. My savior. I know, I know, I know. And then that's when, like you said, all that garbage starts to come out. And I tell my son, I said, it's not fair to them. It's not fair to you. And that's where, like, I tell my son, You really need to work on yourself and become the best version for you and the person that you're going to attract into your life because they deserve it. Yeah. They really deserve the best version of you. So I love what you're doing in terms of helping relationships and marriages, which leads me into this next one of let's talk about gender roles. Mm-hmm. 

Yeah, because I think that is really difficult for a lot of women. So share what you... My thoughts. Yeah. All your thoughts. So there's a massive rise of the feminine right now. In fact, I believe that most of our dominant leaders are going to be women for... There's just a shift on the planet, right? Right. And as the feminine is rising, you'll notice it everywhere, right? This is the first time in history where women are not property and it is not necessary for us to be married in order to survive. First time in history that we know of, that we track, right? And so what does this change as far as marriage? It changes everything. It changes absolutely everything. You As I was telling you about in our pre-conversation about how they're still under the old way and the new way, meaning they're still feeling the need to take care of the house, to take care of the kids, to do all the things and on top of working a nine to five. And then they're complaining to me that their husband is coming home and doing very little around the house. Yeah. 

And this is one thing that needs to massively change because as with the rise of the feminine, yes, she gets to, she gets to work outside of the home, but the stuff around the house, the other duties need to get split up. And the problem is, is I feel like she needs to be very clear on who she is first, right? Her worth, her value. And Not take on all those roles. So part of it is her and part of it's him. Right. But as we shift into this new earth, we just have to understand that there is going to be a recalibration and a rebalancing. And that's why we're seeing men, first of all, getting more attached to their emotions, which is wonderful. And we're going to see a rise in that in the next 10, 15 years. Why? Because they're going to have to. Because the woman no longer cares. 

needs the man for survival, but she still wants him. Right. And so he's going to have to up-level his emotional intelligence in order to match hers. And of course, that means as far as roles, that means that we're taking a 50-50 role in a marriage. And if you don't, then don't expect that that marriage is going to be healthy and is going to be sustaining. Right. Right. So she... But the big part that I see with my ladies is they have to require that. They have to up-level their requirement and know I'm worthy of having this and I shall have it. And then asking for it. Many of us, I'd say most of us don't have because we don't ask. Right. We don't ask because we don't feel worthy of asking because, you know, we were raised, I think most of us can relate to the fact you and I grew up in a 

In a religious home, very dogmatic religious home. And females were, of course, down here. Right. And children were down here. So me, as a little girl, I was not important, right? Your mic just stopped. My opinion didn't matter. Who I was didn't matter. Oh, can you hear me now? I'll call you back. Oh yeah. My internet is unstable. Okay. Okay. I've been having some internet issues. Okay. So hopefully they're supposed to come out tomorrow. So we'll, we'll see. Where was I at when I stopped? So I think where you're at, where you were down here and how it was for how it was for you. So, okay. Yeah. So growing up in a religious home where men were honored above women and adults over children and, 

I inherited a belief. I took on a belief that I wasn't important because of that. Well, that's something that has to shift in all of us because I don't feel like I'm the only one. I feel like many of us women have this. We feel like lesser than. But with the rising of the feminine, we need to grab a hold of that and say, no, my feelings, my opinions, all that matter. They're all important. We have to tell ourselves that. We have to take on the new belief for ourselves. And then with the shifting of the new earth, we're going to see a lot of changes. There's a reason why people are not rushing to get married anymore and that the divorce rate is so high and that women just aren't putting up with the same old stuff they used to put up with. They're starting to grab a hold of their own worth and say, yeah, I'm just not going to live like this. 

So that's where I see men really rising to the challenge and being like, oh, I guess just providing isn't enough. Just me having a job isn't enough. And it's like, yeah, it's not. You're going to have to push yourself to emotionally meet her needs, even though men have the same thing where they were emotionally shut down very young and told, oh, you can't cry, which caused all these disconnects from their emotional state. So recognize... that he is the way he is because of his programming and we are the way we are because of our programming. Have compassion and yet a dialogue where you can open up about like your own beliefs so that the marriage can flourish. You could see each other's perspective and be a benefit to each other instead of a curse to each other. Right. No, I get it because a lot of men are taught that showing your emotions, 

or being vulnerable is a sign of weakness and it's really a strength. And so like, for example, with me, with my husband there, it came a point where I was just like, um, we need to, you know, sit down and, and work things out because I'm, he's retired, but I still work. Ah. And I cook the meals. And so, It's like, how can I fit in our time, time with my son, time for me, self-care time, and then trying to business and all of that. But it was really good once we sat down and we talked about it. And, you know, I shared my perspective and we worked things out where it's like these nights out of the week, he cooks. And I'm like, yes, yes. 

And there's one night on Wednesday, we call it free for all night because I love to eat a certain way. And he likes to eat a certain way. And our our our palates don't match up sometimes. So I tell him, hey, like last night, I'm having butternuts, you know, squash raviolis and this. And he's like, but I'm like, oh, it's going to be so good. And he just had a TV dinner and he was totally chill with it. I love that you're accepting those little things about each other because we tend to, you know, I hear a lot of people, they tend to make those things these big hairy deal, right? It's like, it doesn't have to be. I believe there's always a win-win. And that's what I teach my clients is like, if you're looking, if you have the mentality that I'm against you and we're, you know, we're constantly in battle, like you, then you're, it's not a win-win. You're not looking for, you're not on that, 

team page where where it's like for me when when there's something I would like to change about my relationship I put myself in the place where I'm like when I sit down with my husband I want the win-win I'm looking for I want to be very happy but I also want him to be very happy and I believe that it's possible to have both you know and when you believe it's possible to have both then you're going to be looking for that because you're always going to find what you're looking for But if you continue to see your spouse as your component, you will never have that beautiful, healthy relationship where you can sit down with your butternut squash ravioli and he can sit down with his, you know, TV dinner and you can enjoy each other's company and you're not making him be like you, you know? Right. Yeah. Because we do sit at the table and we eat at the same time and it was just like, 

I had a great meal and he had his his meal and it was it was it was totally cool. And and it is it's finding, you know, compromises like there's for me, there's a game I like to play online. And, you know, certain days out of the week, they have invasions at certain times. So I tell him, OK, I've got these invasions at this time and I'm going to make a compromise where I'll miss these two. So then we can have our time on this other day. And he's like, sure. But it's it's that whole key is communication and compromise and trying to make it, like you said, a win win for for both parties. Yeah, I don't like the word compromise. Something about it just has this negative tinge to it. But it's like but it's the same concept of the win win. It's like I want you to be so incredibly happy and I want to be so incredibly happy. And I believe it's possible and possible. 

how can we make that happen? Yeah. Right. It's, it's so beautiful. Yeah, it is. It's really beautiful. So how can women rekindle their intimacy, you know, in a marriage when their spouse are not actively participating in the process, like share more about that. Okay. So typically when women come to me, they're, Their marriage is in a real bad spot. They've tried everything. Nothing's worked. They're kind of desperate at this point. And this is what I tell them. For the next 12 weeks, you're going to put your blinders on and you're not even going to look at your husband. We're going deep within you. We're going to excavate you. It's really about our own unique healing journey because when we clear out our own shit, our 

I'll tell you what happens. It clears all the space, right? We just clear away all the clutter, all the space, because all of the negative emotions, they get trapped in our body. And so when we get to this age, for me, 42, and I have 42 years of accumulated negative emotions trapped in my body, and I've not gone in at any point to sort of work on it, right? There is a pulling that out, we have to start, because once you do that, once we start moving out that negative emotion, energy in motion, and yes, it does get trapped in the body. Once we start moving that out, what happens is there's now this clear space. She starts to understand all her patterns. She starts to understand why she allows the things she does. She begins to see why she is the way she is, why she gets triggered by this, why she responds this way to that. 

she starts to see her own patterns. And what always happens is then they start to identify their spouse's patterns. So for in the instance of my husband and I, we had similar traumas. We both lost our fathers really young. We had similar traumas, but our trauma responses were opposite. So as a controller, when I got triggered, I'd lash out. Imagine that little two-year-old with a tantrum. That was me When I got triggered and when he got triggered, he would. Right. Get small. And so what would happen was he didn't feel emotionally safe with me. So he was always like this. And I felt unloved because I'm, you know, and so we'd go in this just loop of triggering each other. Right. And that's what I noticed with all my couples is they attracted someone with the polar opposite trauma response. Right. 

And so one thing I have them do is when, like I tell my husband, when I'm in that place, just notice that is my, that little young version of me having a tantrum because she's in pain. And so one thing I have my clients do is in that moment, I want you to go get still and quiet within yourself. And I want you to go back in time, wherever she's at. Is she four? Are you four? Wherever, go back in time. I want you to pick her up, rock her. I want you to tell her that everything's going to be okay. tell her everything she needs to know at that moment and, and, and give that to her. And once you do that, you'll start to just get this really intimate relationship with that young version of yourself who's still in there. And over time, you're just going to be so in tuned with her that you can, you're, you're responding and react, you're reacting less. Right. Right. And then I would do it with my 

or move away or get really small, I would just be there with that little scared boy, right? And once you do that, this brings you into deep compassion because you're connecting with that young version of them that is just in fear, that's all. And so they created this response as a way to protect themselves, but you have to let them know that they no longer need that because they're safe. Right. And so we have the ability to do that right here from the present moment. And when I started doing it and when I do it with my clients, there's just it starts to change you because you start to see things from that fifth dimension experience. You're not in the body. You're floating above it. You're witnessing it. And you're like, oh, isn't this interesting? Feels very different from this perspective. You could see it differently. Yeah, you can. It literally shifts your whole experience. 

And I loved how you said that, because for me, the biggest part of my work is inner child. To me, it's number one, number one. And I tell a lot of people we need to parent ourselves. We like you said, we need to go in. We need to make eye contact with that inner child. We need to hold it. We need to nurture it. We need to love it. We need to talk to it, to listen to it. And what you were just describing is sometimes. I always draw a picture for my clients where when we're first born, we're whole like a circle. And we have a life event that happens where a part of us like a pie separates from the whole. Yeah. That part can appear to be self-sabotaging, but it's not. It always has a positive underlying intent. It's protecting you. You know, by going small, you're keeping yourself safe. By getting big and acting out, 

you're that's another, you know, the flight, bite, freeze, flop, you know, all of those are responses that the body has. And so when you, what I do is when I go in and I do that repair work, I like to give that little child a new job. And I invite it back to the family. Like I want to be a family again, because we used to be a family and we were a whole family. But you are part of my family and I want to bring you back. And a lot of times, I'm sure you might have heard of internal family systems, IFS. Yeah. And there can be one main personality and there's all these other parts behind it. All these other parts that are associated because when we have, let's say, one major traumatic event, there could be all these little pop beads connected to it. 

And so when you repair that initial inner child, that let's say was the, the head leader, all those other parts can fall into place and they, and they can all get healed. And I'll share a funny story that I'm sure you could probably relate. But when I do my inner child work, a lot of times I record it for clients and I have a work on it. And I say work on it for at least, three weeks. And in the beginning, if it makes you cry, it's okay. You're going to get a place where you're no longer crying and you're happy and you're good with it. And I remember one woman pulling me aside. It was about maybe seven or 10 days later. And she said, Carrie, I think I'm going crazy. And I said, what do you mean? She's like, well, I did that inner part session that I've been listening to. And although the main kid came out of the bushes, 

But when I and you made a comment where you said all other parts that are listening can come together now or come together later in the future. But all parts are welcome. All parts can come home and and be a family again. And she said, I saw ten little kids come out of the out of the bushes and we're all jumping around me going, yeah. She's like, is that normal? And I was like, yes, I'm so proud of you. I was just over the moon for this woman. It's like, yes, all those little parts didn't know if you were serious. They needed to know that you were serious about this work. And when it finally clicked in all of them that, okay, she is serious. They all came together, you know, in the end. And it was beautiful. And she was like, oh, thank you. I thought I was going nuts, but I was like, no, you're not. It's, it seems like it's nuts, but it's, 

It wasn't, it was you seriously healed yourself in that moment, you know, even more than you did from the very beginning. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, it's, it's really neat. So what are, before we, you know, and what are some practical steps for women to take when they feel disconnected from their spouse? Cause I think that's, Really hard. Once you feel that disconnection, you can make that assumption that the marriage is over. It's ruined. It's broken. It's not savable. So what are some things, you know, women can do? Well, recognizing this is so many, so many ways I can go with this, but recognizing that every relationship is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. you really got to look within and say, where are you disconnected from you? Now, like the, for instance, the process you just spoke about is a real, like coming together with all the different parts of you. Right. Right. And it's like, there's so many facets to us as human beings. We get, we can't even slice it enough to even like, we've even barely started to figure out the human being. I'm we're, we're just so complex, but yeah, 

This is what we know as above, so below, as within, so without. If you're experiencing anything in your external world, it will always shot like you got to go within yourself. Where is that disconnect with you? Yeah. And so this is what I found for myself because, you know, I've been with my husband 18 years, but it's like so many of those years were not fun. And that's because I hadn't really... it wasn't until I really started to heal those deeper parts of myself. I had to keep going deeper and keep going deeper and keep going deeper until I really found the root cause. And what it was is like, so many of us have these walls up. And you hear about walls all the time. Oh, walls. Yes, we have all these walls up in ourselves, parts of ourself that we don't want to look at. When we talk about shame, when we talk about the shit that we've done, that we just want to 

So if you feel disconnected from your husband or anyone else, life, we really got to look within the self. For me, I'll tell you that I had such an issue with myself for so long. I hated me. And that was when I look back now at my entire journey, that really was the biggest problem that I had was I hated me so bad. that I created and sabotaged all the external relationships because of the internal one. Yeah. So until you start going deep within yourself and until you start your own healing journey, I don't even know if it's possible to really connect with someone like you want to, because I believe all of us come here to this life to learn, first of all, 

how to love and to be loved. And the journey to that, it has to be painful because until you've experienced the polarity, you can't experience the high highs until you've gone through the low lows, right? Because it's got like the high high wouldn't even feel high if I hadn't been on the bottom, like dragging on the ground, right? So I feel like, yeah, Until we start our healing journey and we start to just keep digging, keep digging, just know the external will never actually be your issue. It never is. It is always within us. And I know this because when I healed and I shifted, I used the illustration of the lens, the prescription. You're wearing glasses. If that prescription was, say, dark and fuzzy, and I said... 

this is kind of what I do with my clients. When they start working with me, I say, I'm going to take that prescription and I'm going to give you a new prescription. And it's the new prescription is pure love. It's it's freedom. It's bliss. It's ecstasy, right? All these things you've never felt. And that's what we're doing. We're switching out that old lens for the new lens. And in that case, there's no way that your reality isn't going to change in every single single way. There's just no way because your inner world is creating your outer world. So I just think if you're lacking connection on any level, and this may be hard to hear, but taking responsibility for what you've created in your belief system, even when you didn't even know you were doing it, this is not meaning to put any shame on anyone because we just didn't know what we didn't know, right? This is 

very modern science where we're starting to understand the subconscious mind versus the conscious mind. This is very new stuff, but the modern science is coming out and it's just so clear that those first five years, it is the program setting that we have just, just like this computer, you stick it in, it's hard-drived in, right? And it doesn't mean that you can't change it, but you're going to have to start doing some deep work to shift the program. You're 100% correct. Because as being a hypnotherapist, the explanation I give people, especially for smokers, is I say, you consciously know smoking is bad for your health. You know that hands down. But you want to quit. And so you got a green light here consciously to quit. But you set up your computer, your subconscious mind back here is when I'm stressed, I smoke. When I have this happen, I smoke. 

you've, you've literally, you know, install that in the operating system. And that's the one that's running the show because you could consciously tell yourself, I'm not going to have a cigarette, but then you go ahead and you do it anyway. So what I tell them what happens is, you know, like say in hypnotherapy is when you slow down your brainwave patterns and you open up the doorway to your subconscious mind, when someone is talking to you, Your conscious mind will go, yes, yes, yes. There always is something better to do than smoke, that I am doing this. And so with that green light and the subconscious hearing, it goes, oh, that's what you want me to do. Because I've been doing ABC, but you want me to do now XYZ. Let me change the programming. Yeah, that's what hypnosis does. It does. 

Yeah. It's a beautiful way to bypass the conscious mind and go dip straight into the subconscious. Yep. And I've worked with clients. I remember working with one gentleman. He lived back East and this guy, it was really sad. When he was in his twenties, he went down an alley and got raped by two men. And he was, I think, 65 at the time. And he's like, I need to get over this fear. I can't go, I can't be around men. I've never been able to, I struggled. And we did the whole parts therapy timeline, you know, let's create a new reality. And the guy was like, Oh my God, I wish I would have done this like 30, 40 years ago. I would have just changed my whole life. And, and that's the beauty of, of doing any work like on trauma or, or, 

childhood wounds and going within is you've got to make those changes in the subconscious mind. You've got to make sure both parts click and sink into place. Because like you said, we have those memories, but those memories have emotions attached to it. And think of it as putting rocks in your pockets. You're just pulling those rocks out of your pocket and it frees you. And you're pulling reality changes. Whole reality changes because you're not carrying those stones around anymore that were dragging you down. Yeah. Emotions do not move out of the body until they're emoted. They have to be fully felt. They have to be taken on. They're not just going to disappear. They just stick around until they're emoted. So you got to clear out the shit. There's no way around it. You have to clear it out. 

Yeah. And until you do, you're stuck with the old programming. And so for a lot of people, they just have this fear of going into it. And I'm like, girl, you are going to feel so free and light. A lot of them say that. I feel so lighter. Yeah. Because we literally took this dense, thick, terrible energy and we moved it out of your body. Of course, you're going to feel lighter. Of course, you're going to feel good. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of people don't realize that. So I'm very blessed we're having this conversation, Tammy. Thank you. It's good stuff. Yes, it is. It is good stuff. There's just, there's so much to share and, and I would love for people to, to learn, you know, discover you and work with you and learn more about you because I know there's people out there that when you get married, you're, 

you get married for a reason. You think that this person, you know, is someone special and was someone special. And just because all of your garbage is coming out, destroying and ruining the marriage doesn't mean that it has to end, that it has to be over. Because as you and I both know, if you end that marriage and you don't work on your stuff, you're going to meet someone else. And you recycle, repeat, recycle, repeat, recycle, repeat, relate to it all the time. Yeah. All the time. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's the, I have people that come to me and we have that first initial call. And when, when they realize it will be work for them to change, they're like, Oh, I'll just go ahead and get a divorce and move on to the next. And I'm like, well, then I'll, I'll hear from you shortly because you do realize you're taking you 

with you to the next relationship. And if you doesn't do anything to sort of work on this, it's going to be very, the faces will change, but the issues won't. So go for it. No, I love how you say it. Cause it's totally, it's totally true. And not until you stop and really, you know, look at it and go within, like, why do I keep attracting the same people? Yeah. Why? Same different faces, but same exact relationship struggles. Like, why? Why? Well, you got to go within and figure out why. Yeah. Whenever I have them really get to the major emotion they're feeling, and then I say, okay, now take me back to the first time you ever experienced that. And it's always early childhood. Why? Because that's where it was created. And then you just lugged it along with you ever since. So it's like... 

It's really, it's not, it's a simple process to sort of eliminate that, especially nowadays. But it's like, if you never, I mean, the people that choose to heal, I give them so much glory and praise because I'm like, you are shifting your whole lineage. And that's what happens when you decide to heal is you're shifting your lineage forward, but then also backwards. And it affects the whole. So the more of... us choose to take on the healing process and choose to take other people through the healing process, the more we transform this world. And who doesn't, who doesn't want that? Like, that's just my, that's, that's my life purpose. It's like, if I could take one person through their own personal healing journey, the ripple effect will just be massive for the whole, you know? It is. Well, and then it also, which is so surprising, and I think we might have slightly touched on this. 

is it does impact everything in your world, all your relationships, your relationships with your parents, your relationship with your children, the relationship with your friends, all of that. And like, there's one person I'm working with and he was like, I'm starting to recognize that I get angry all the time about this. And I said, well, I, and he's like, and I don't know why. And I'm like, Well, I really believe it's the people you're talking to. Because when you talk to your mom, she is very narcissistic and she sucks all the happiness out of you. And then she feels great. And then what do you do? You're all angry and frustrated. So then you go spew that on someone else, like your roommate who's been complaining lately. Why are you so angry? I said, you know, it's that saying, 

The husband, you know, beats the wife. The wife yells at the kids. The kid kicks the dog. The dog chases the cat. You know, it just. Yeah. And so I told him, you got to be more mindful about who you're going to talk to your problems with. Because some people feed into that and they feed all their negative stuff and you're stuck going, what the hell just happened? Yeah. Yeah. Well, And the thing is, is to even take it a step further is like, what's the belief that comes up when you're talking to your mother? Yes. Right. And so for me, part of my healing journey, you know, I moved away from my family three and a half years ago, and I felt like it was a very clear space for me to kind of go through my healing journey. You know, just the space love my family, but it allowed me the freedom to kind of think clearly. And then when I go back there, I'm 

I notice where I get triggered with them. And then I start saying, well, why would that trigger me? And what's the belief coming up for me when he says this or she does that? What's the belief? And then I start to really think about the belief it is, oh, it's because it's taking me back to a little kid. And now I believe that I'm not lovable. Right. And then when I identify that, I'm like, oh, that's just the story I'm telling myself. What's the new story I'm choosing? Right. Right. Right. But then, like you said, creating the boundaries, I think is so important. If you have someone that you notice that they don't, when you get off the phone with them or get out of their presence, you don't feel good. You have to start checking the relationship and you get to, you get to decide what you're not going to participate in as far as conversation. When I went through my healing journey, it was like, 

People would call me to complain. I just wasn't the person. Got to go. It's just my boundary. That's my boundary. I guard my peace with everything that I have. So if someone wants to pour some negative information on me, I just say, sorry, I'm not about this. With so much love, this is not serving you to say it, and it doesn't serve me to receive it. That's the radical responsibility part. So the taking... Full responsibility is saying, well, I don't really have to listen to this. And I really have the ability to change the subject or get off the phone or... Because the others, they'll get the drift. They get the message loud and clear after. You don't have to be mean. But I just tell people your peace should be what you guard over anything else. Anything. It should be because a lot of people are so invested in their story and they want to just... 

tell their story to everyone. But that story, like, when are you going to let it down? When are you going to let it go? When are you going to stop making that story define you? Because it doesn't have to. Yeah. Yeah. You get to decide what's true for yourself. Nothing has any meaning except for the meaning you give it. So it's like, if something, if you've decided, I'll ask my clients this all the time, you know, is that belief serving you still? Yeah. And just the, just asking them that they'll start to think about it and like, no, no, it doesn't. And it's like, okay, well, would you like to pick something else? What else would you like to be true instead of that? And it just empowers them to choose the new thing. And then when that emotion comes up, they realize that they have the ability to choose. We don't have to let anything bother us. The reason why we choose to let it bother us is because of the meaning we placed on it. So let's just choose different meanings and feel better. 

Yeah, and it's interesting, too. I don't know if I might have shared it in the meet and greet, but when I did a lot of my trauma therapy work on myself and I was around a family member that knew how to push every button in me, when I saw them again, I was happy and joyful. I'm like, hey, it's great to see you. I was smiling. I gave him a hug. And the person went over to my brother and was like, what is wrong with her? You know, is she on drugs? She's just too happy. What is her problem? And I just started laughing. And I told my brother, I was just like, I'm finally free of this person. They can't get to me anymore. I just felt like I was on top of the mountain. I was so liberated. It was beautiful. It was fantastic. But it was so confusing for that person because, you know, they were... 

I guess testing the water, but didn't know how to re how to react or even how to respond around me. And I was just like, just be yourself. Clearly just be yourself. When you change, like, because you literally change you, you weren't the same person. That's what happens. That's what happens when we go through a transformation is we're not going to show up as the same person. Cause that person is gone. Yes. It's like the death of the old self. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a beautiful death. And that's where, and to me, it's like some people, you know, when they talk about spiritually awakening, like, am I going to die? Will I still be, you know, in this body? And it's like, yes, you're still here. You're just a completely different person because your whole outlook and perspective and view on life shifted. Your prescription changed. Yes. Your prescription changed. Yeah. That was cool. Tammy, where can people find you? 

Um, so my link tree slash Tammy Cox, um, has all of my links. I'm on all the platforms. Um, it, I'd say Instagram is my strongest presence and there are more. Um, but you can also, uh, if, if you are a woman struggling in your marriage and you'd like to talk to me, um, I have, you can book a discovery call from my link tree as well. Um, But yeah, that's where you can find me. I think on Instagram, I'm TammyCox7. Okay. Well, what I'm going to do to help support you because you're doing fabulous stuff for everyone in the world is I will create a blog post. And in there, I will have Instagram, your LinkedIn, your Facebook, your YouTube. I'll have all of that in there for people to also connect with you as well. I appreciate that. 

No, it's, it's my pleasure. So thank you again, Tammy. I've really enjoyed this whole conversation with you and, and I will put you on my list to invite you back. Yeah. Put me on your list, girl. I've, I've loved this conversation. It's all this stuff I love talking about. Yeah. So good to connect with you. Yeah. It was so beautiful. So you have a fabulous rest of your day, Tammy. You too. And much love. Okay. Take care. Bye.